Confession 1: I am useless at being a blogger.
I don't know how many times I will restart this blog, delete all the old posts and restart it again. There's something beautiful about being able to reset everything and start again. Perhaps because you can't do it in the real world. I don't know if I would be able to press the big red reset button if I was offered the chance in my real life. There's things I regret, things I'd love to do over but every experience has made me who I am.
But that's going off on a tangent, so back to my confession; I love writing, I love blogging, but finding the commitment, the motivation, the inspiration and the time, whilst battling that one little demon (he's called Arthur) who likes to tell me that I'm just not good enough at this, that noone cares and I should simply give up. Sometimes Arthur temporarily wins and I give up, but I always come back. I guess this confession is more for me than you. But by admitting that I'm no good at something perhaps I can just beat Arthur at his own game. But hey, don't expect too much!
Confession 2: I don't belong anywhere.
This is a strange one, I have a reasonably strong sense of my self and who I am, sometimes some situations in life make me wobbly and doubt myself, but I'm a phoenix, I fight back and come back stronger. However, I have never felt like I truly belong somewhere. I feel like a museum artifact that's been placed in the wrong exhibit, I know I shouldn't be there but I just don't know where I'm supposed to be. Maybe I like to cast myself as The Outsider. I'm happy but I just don't truly fit anywhere.
I've been described as a social butterfly before, by someone who was telling me "I like that you're a social butterfly, that you don't feel the need to belong in any one clique." The thing is part of me would love to belong, but another part of me enjoys the solitude of not belonging. I also don't feel any strong belonging to any country, here, my home country anywhere. I don't know if other people feel like this, but I'm slowly growing at ease with not belonging.
Perhaps this relates to when I was younger and the amount of times I just wished the ground would open up and swallow me. I've always had a yearning to run away and start again. To go missing. I once spent a whole month researching how to be a missing person but to start a new life. I guess I don't like responsibility or just don't want to adult.
The thing with disappearing and starting again is you can never go back, or have any contact with anyone from your old life. And can you really start again? Your personality will always be the same, it would be tiresome to play a character all the time, and once you run do you just keep running, never stop and never look back, or do you yearn for what you used to have, for who you used to be? Ultimately I'm not brave (or is it cowardly) enough to run away, but sometimes just thinking about it brings me a sense of peace.
What about you? What things would you like to confess?